Rancho San Ant Onion
"Oh man! You've got to be kidding me!"
"What? What? Are you all right in there?"
"Arrrrrgh." It was a sound a dying pig would make. She didn't know that, precisely, but she imagined Wilbur would make that pathetic sort of cry under extreme duress only... and only as that duress was either winding down or poor Wilbur just couldn't hack it any more and was going to the big pig farm in the sky to get a break from whatever was bugging him. She had a choice: drop the lasagna and sprint in there, or get the lasagna out of the oven and onto the counter on something that won't burn... "AAArrrrrgh."
She dropped the lasagna, splattering it all over the kitchen floor. She felt a few last tendrils of it lashed out at her as she left it behind, like flames out of an explosion in a blockbuster film. Only this was lasagna, and it was probably, according to most physical theories, splashed all over the back of her white top. She rounded the corner and nearly fell over his favorite chair, which was lying on its side across the doorway. He was lying on the floor, writhing, which was a good sign, at least he hadn't given up just yet. A puddle of beer soaked into the carpet, and the bowl of nachos still on the side table where his chair used to be sitting upright was dangerously close to joining it. She cringed at the thought of soggy beer nachos. On the carpet. They didn't have an ant problem, but she was guessing they would soon, if it sat too long. She guessed that the lamp, also lying on its side, on top of the magazine bucket, was also kicked over in the journey he made to the floor.
"Argh."
"What? What is it? Are you okay?"
"Schilling." His voice was throaty, hoarse.
"What?"
"Schilling. Is. Killing me." He thumped the carpet twice. And then a third time. Half-heartedly.
"Oh, is that it?"
He turned, squirmed, look up at her, resting on an elbow. "Well, yeah."
"Maybe they'll start using Timlin as a fulltime closer, then."
And that's when he realized how lucky he was.
disclaimer:
It was onion season down at the OK Corral.
It wasn't that OK Corral, it was actually the OK Ranch. Things are not always what they seem.
Hello, hello. Glad to have you with us this week.
We'll catch you again next week. Likely.
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