The Horoscopes
Tired
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Why do I always think "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow?" when I sit down to the horoscopes?
It's a mystery, wrapped in an enigma. It also means you should really be more forward thinking than you are.
If you say, "But horoscope writer, I am forward thinking!" well, all I can say is... apparently not enough.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Enjoy the present. Unlike Tauri, you shouldn't be thinking ahead.
Just think about right now.
Don't even think how you're going to spend the next ten minutes (which, by the bye, will be spent thinking about each minute as it happens - but you shouldn't be thinking about that just yet, just think about right now).
Got it? Good. Good luck getting anything done this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you're feeling in a mean-spirited sort of mood this week, call up a Leo and ask them if they've got any plans for Friday night... on any night prior to Friday night this will almost certainly result in hilarity.
By the way, when I say "if you're feeling in a mean-spirited sort of mood" I, of course, mean that you will be feeling that way, because it says so in the stars.
PS. Remember the Munchkins.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A little person will give you some bad advice this week.
But another, littler person will give you good advice this week.
So here's my advice (for the record, I'm average height... I'm also speaking for the stars, which are quite big): you know that convenience stores usually have measuring sticks of some sort taped to the side of the entrance in order to provide better descriptions of people that come in that do undesirable things... try the same to measure exactly who's taller than who when they're offering you advice.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You won't have realised it until this week, but you have an overwhelming, ofttimes crippling, fear of pancakes.
I can't go into any more details about it at this time.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Sometime around November 2009, you will get to sleep again.
If you keep a persistent problem in front of you you will have a better chance of facing it down.
Then again, putting the persistent problem in a soundproof box may also be a good alternative.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A leap of faith will be required this week.
Unfortunately, you're going to look silly doing it, like that freeze frame moment from the movie Fame.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your best male friend will be trampled by zebras by the end of the week.
There's nothing you can do about it, I'm just letting you know in case you want to maybe work on getting into his will or anything.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The word "velveteen" will compell you in interesting ways this week.
Go on, try it...
See? Interesting, isn't it?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don't take this personally, but you have no horoscope. Still. And again. And again.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The squeaky monkey gets the grease.
But he or she doesn't necessarily like it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Someone very short will try and punch you this week. It may be unintentional.
Don't shave until Tuesday.
[Horoscopes.