The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Pie plates are not a good substitute for wheels.
The gerbil speaks at midnight.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Make the hard choice you've been putting off for weeks.
If it's between Coke or Pepsi I'd suggest just drinking some water. Or milk.
But only drink the milk if you're not lactose-intolerant.
That'd be following our advice to the point of silliness.
But still, water or milk. Unless the preceding conditions apply.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
No one expects parsnips to make much of a contribution to dinner.
So here's a tip for the week: don't put parsnips in that casserole on Tuesday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
It's time to install those stained glass windows you've always wanted!
Just wear gloves, carrying those things around.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Bless your buttons.
If you take this literally you will have the easiest week ever opening and closing shirts.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be proven very right this week.
Someone may not admit it, but that's the way it goes.
Wednesday will bring something nice.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Soon, there will not be enough room for an extra elephant in the house.
So either you go out and get that elephant now, or you deal with not having an elephant until you move into a bigger house.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Flowers will win you a lot of points this week.
You will note that they will not be a huge help during actual sporting events, however.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I hope that schedule's cleared off, bub, because that mountain ain't diggin' itself.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don't release your inner.. oh, wait, I'm sorry. No horoscopes for Scorpios.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A peaceful night will erupt into the most exciting evening of your life!
Unfortunately, you'll be nowhere near all the excitement, and all you'll see of all the excitement is the pictures in Hello Magazine the week after.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Beware car doors this week.
Don't keep an eye on them, be wary of them.
You dope.
[Horoscopes. Now you can see if you're any better.]