The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Have a nice pie this week.
If you're feeling generous, try sharing it with someone else.
Just not that guy sitting next to you on the train on Friday. He won't leave you alone afterwards, if you do.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Seventy four is the number you should have gotten from last week.
If you got something different you should act like you did on your last sudoku puzzle and start over from the beginning.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will cause a small sensation in a small town in Idaho this week, which, in proportion to the town, will actually seem quite large.
However, since you won't be anywhere near Idaho this week you probably won't notice all the hubbub and you'll still get to go to Spanish classes on Thursday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Thank you for all the potato waffles... it's a shame none arrived in any packages to the United States since.
Regardless, Fortune will smile on you this week for the potato waffles, and if you play the lottery, you will win it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't spill the beans this week.
That new carpet will not be easy to clean.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Choose your own adventure this week.
Turn to page 64 to book a Caribbean cruise.
Turn to page 87 to stay in and eat chocolate almond chip ice cream.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You find out that pizza's already been invented this week.
This while playing a game of Marco Polo in the pool, funnily enough.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will disappoint someone this week.
It's probably only that kid on the corner, though, the one standing there, watching cars go by, assuming each one is carrying a pony for him.
So unless you have a pony in your little hatchback, you've disappointed someone this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Clear your schedule, and make a mountain out of a molehill. I would try and start as soon as possible.
Because, speaking from experience, it takes a long time to finish that one off.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We have a code red, code red, on aisle seven!
Umm. And no horoscope this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Be cool this week.
Drooling over your fellow passenger will not be cool. Especially when they notice. Doh.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The best you can squeeze out of the week is in the details this week.
Like the pulp of an orange, only if you get some f this in your eye you won't be temporarily blinded.
[Horoscopes. There's a new site from the folks at the Red Seat and Edward of Bambino's Curse.]