The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Beware the Ides of March. Funnily enough, now.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Beware the Ides of Saint Paddy's Day.
Which is today, shockingly.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Beware the 18th of March.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Beware the 19th of March.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You drew the lucky straw. The 20th of March will be okay.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Beware the 22nd of March, for on that day strange things will happen!
Like an early, early, crazily early morning delivery of delicious Dunkin Donuts coffee and Munchkins!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Beware, beware! Be most wary by baking some cookies or something, for Sunday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You are like a ninja. Try attacking any of the zodiac signs which follow, as the others will all be wary in some way or another this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will be attacked by a ninja, regardless of whether or not you had a more full horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no... sorry, bad force of habit.
You should look into that spit up problem.
Also, be good for your mom at the end of the week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Toadstools are a metaphor for your life this week.
Time to do some biology research!
We expect a paper on this subject, next week, in our mailbox. Thanks.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be missing a major piece (or three) of you the latter half of this week.
Wear gloves, if it happens to be your fingers, as it may freak people out.
[Horoscopes. Have a read.]