The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will fall victim to the classic three card monty trick this week.
And to an avalanche. Overall, a bad luck sort of week for you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you can harness the power of the masses this week you will prosper.
If you use children or illegal immigrants (or both) you may not prosper if you get caught by the Feds.
And if you play by the book and pay the people a decent wage you may not actually prosper. So you may be better off going it alone and coming close to prospering without actually doing so.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be put in a leadership role this week.
So now's the perfect time to pull out that old Napoleon hat you've had in the closet for years!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Walking away from someone who gets under your skin is the bets course of action this week.
Be careful not to tear the skin where the aforementioned person is hiding, as that could leave a painful reminder.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Get a haircut on Wednesday, before that trip to the zoo, because I foresee a parrot landing in your long locks, wreaking no end of havoc on your mental state.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This is the week where you can be in two places at once!
So if you're a superhero this is an excellent time to perform miraculous feats of strength and bravery while the other you hangs out with the pesky newspaper reporter who has always been suspicious of you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Let's go back to basics this week:
You failed to deliver more seven layer coconut and chocolate cakes.
So this week you spend with a very sweaty and angry wart hog tied to your left ankle.
Get the pattern here?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Fill up your car before Tuesday.
You're going to be in for a lot of driving on Tuesday.
Oh, and if you have a Hummer or some other gas guzzler you might want to borrow a friend's high mileage, relatively speedy car, otherwise the finale will come sooner (and
Libra September 23 - October 22
Not a single thought for you this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Good job on the sleeping. Now, we'd like you to start doing the dishes this week.
Or figure out some marketable skill you possess...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Good luck this week!
Don't wear peanut butter and jelly on Tuesday.
Someone's peanut allergy and an enclosed space will result in a possibly tragic turn of events.
Or comic, should you then take over their identity and fill their job for the next few weeks, until you reveal your true identity in a touching and humourous press conference.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Watch the Beanpot, don't read the newspapers, and maybe have some green tea this week.
[Horoscopes. Let's all turn our eyes to something... happier.]