The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
When you're making an omelette this week you will miraculously break no eggs.
This will prompt you to French kiss your best friend, in the hopes of taking it to another level.
Sadly, this egg breaks.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The French operative will contact you this week with the passphrase "Lemmings for Algernon."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Sharing a trouble halves it.
Sharing it again quarters it.
And sharing it one more time cuts it into eighths.
And then an eighth is much easier to pretend it belongs to someone else, trouble be gone! This strategy actually works for you this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Accept the counsel of strangers this week.
Especially if you happen to find yourself in Prague with no passport, a green foam helmet of some kind, a headache, and a gerbil in your left pants pocket.
You won't need to solicit the advice, by the way. It'll just find its way to you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You left your qualm bucket at a friend's house last week.
Therefore, this week you have no qualms. About anything.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
A Belgian operative knows the secret to the dairy counteragent.
Contact him for the antidote, and a test supply of Purple Snacks (tm).
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The German operative will be in touch this week.
Keep your eyes to the skies. And fly the brilliant purple and yellow flag they gave you at the last meeting.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week short people will annoy you.
The height criteria cut-off is 5 foot 1 inch.
Which won't help you avoid them too much, because you probably won't be able to see them coming, at that height.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This space intentionally left blank.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your mom says you will like shopping.
And we all know moms come in with more influence than Saturn, which simply says that you'll scream a lot in the car this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Congratulations on your impending.... DOOM!
Wait, no, not doom. Something else... something involving... pie?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Do NOT open the can of worms someone has left on your desk this week.
It's not worms, it's one of those cans of spring-loaded snakes.
[Horoscopes. Well that about sums it up.]