The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
There are worse fates in life than to soldier on through with a ring binder stapled to your nose. Thanks to an accident involving a lemur, a blind carpenter, and a crowd of high school students, you will find out how that particular fate does suit you, though, this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A promising start to your week will fizzle with the onset of the Welsh armies.
So get your shopping in early in the week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Snow will postpone an important event long enough for you to finish whatever it is keeping you from watching the important event and get to a television set.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Take bold strokes in personal ventures this week.
Just be sure to look around you, as all that boldness may take someone's eye out.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Put on a happy face and a toga this week.
And you'll be ready for nearly anything. Especially if you're in college. Oh, and stoned.
May also work for other demographics and people in mental states other than stoned.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your love of purple Snacks (tm) will have your loved ones finding you passed out on the kitchen floor, surrounded by wrappers of the aforementioned snack, smeared with chocolate, a stray dog from the neighbourhood which has somehow gotten into your house licking your face, on Wednesday morning.
It's up to you whether this is a bad occasion or a good one.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Fancy solutions to heavy problems will not work as well as you might think this week.
Sometimes a hammer will solve all your problems. Even mice.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A trip to the Australian outback could prove deadly for you this week.
Luckily, a fellow Aries who has not yet fallen into peril, will come to your rescue.
And, after he rescues you, you have to stick around and save the next Aries in line.
The bright side is that there'll be a big barbecue when you're all done and saved. Oh, except for one Aries out of you. She's not going to make it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Like a puzzle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in bacon, all sandwiched in a big pile of nothing. That's what's in store for you this week, as you have no horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Okay, okay, listen, I'll give you a really, really, really good horoscope if you stop screaming at me and let me give you a bottle.
The line forms now, at the Sane Magazine horoscope writer's desk.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone from a shadowy organisation called the "Secret Brotherhood of the Unholy Gazpacho" will try and recruit you down at your local Starbucks this week.
If they offer you the same glue-on mustache he's wearing I'd accept.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Go with what your gut tells you about an opportunity on the 16th.
I know mine usually says doughnuts, so I'm going to stock up now, so I'm not that busy on the actual day.
[Horoscopes. The Redroom looks interesting, at any rate. That's Moorder, backwards.]