The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
2008 figures to be a big, big year for you.
If you plan on going pro with your knitting skills, that is.
Apparently the World Champion Knitter (an Austrian whose name I forget, at the moment) is out injured this year with carpal tunnel syndrome under a cloud of suspicion with regards to their internet surfing habits, leaving the door wide open to challengers.
Leo July 23 - August 22
2008 is the year you learn to arm wrestle goats, taking your newfound skill professional and gaining an unprecedented number of fans on the pro goat arm wrestling circuit.
Line up a tshirt and sponsorship deals early, because in that sport careers tend to be shortlived.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
2008 is the year you start living life to the fullest!
Unless you're a vampire. In which case you simply keep undeading as you always have.
If you are a vampire the sudden affinity you will feel, as a Virgoan for garlic will have horrible implications.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
2008 starts out well, goes a little soft in the middle, and then peters out at the very end.
In fact, I'd just plan on sleeping the month of December if I were you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A little dash of flair will go a long way in 2008.
It's approximately 50% stronger against the dollar than it was this time last year.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
2008 is the year. THE year, I should have said.
If you are inclined to ask, what makes it THE year, I would say two simple words: Bora and Bora.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
2008 is the year of the Bulldog in certain cultures.
Not yours, though, as you spend yet another year studiously avoiding getting a Bulldog.
Your culture will celebrate 2008 by buying your brother Munchkins in vast quantities.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The Chupacabra, sadly, will end your 2008 prematurely.
Sorry.
Libra September 23 - October 22
2008 will be an exciting year. Sadly, not for you, though, as you have no horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
By the end of 2008 you will have twigged the true meaning of Christmas, which is, for you: that people will fawn all over you if you bat your eyelids, and you should expect lots of presents for doing so.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
2008 marks the first time in recorded history a wombat mates with a rutabaga. And you're there to witness it.
This will be a bittersweet event for you.
Mostly because the rutabaga was intended for your lunch.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
2008 is the year you publish that novel.
Just kidding. You will finish another page or two of it, though.
And I may not be talking about you writing a novel but reading one.
[Horoscopes. Ah, romance in the digital age.]