The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Beet root farming is not for the faint of heart.
So if you've a faint heart, well, you've just made the wrong career move this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Paint like you've never painted before!
It's a creative kind of week for you.
Also, be sure to bring your shovel with you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A very large cheque will arrive in the mail with a Las Vegas postcard this week.
Apparently, all that happens in Las Vegas doesn't stay in Las Vegas. For which you're glad, cashing in that very large sum of money which you're not entirely sure how it relates to you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't trust the parma ham.
It was "reeducated" in an island prison off the coast of Guatemala and will sooner kill you than let you eat it as part of a delicious dinner. Also, it has a predilection for fart jokes now, as a result of the sojourn. Just order something without parma ham, I'd say.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A little greed never hurt anyone.
Until, that is, your Christmas List, printed on fourteen reams of paper, falls on to your poor Uncle and Baby Sister, nearly killing them both with the sheer weight of it all.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your new, buffer self is about to take shape.
Just be careful you don't wind up looking like one of those women weightlifters... you know, the scary kind I'd never make fun of, for fear of being beaten up.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This week is an excellent time to start practising your baking skills. Would start out by trying out that pumpkin cake recipe again. Send results to our offices, so we can ensure you're listening to this horoscope advice we keep giving you, for free, without any expectation of payment, except maybe the occasional seven layer bar or pumpkin cake.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You have no horoscope! Ah! It's an epidemic!
Quick, quarantine the Pisces!
Oh, wait, hang on a minute, here's your horoscope, stuck in the books section of the newspaper:
Get out and enjoy the fresh air this week, you cannot keep excusing your staying indoors as "I think too much about things, therefore I spend most of my time in front of the television with a bag of snacks.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Okay, so you really have no horoscope.
Someday I'll have to tell you the funny story why.
Here's the start: It all starts with someone being born on the wrong flippin' day.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Cherish the sweet sound of silence.
Sweet silence can be made more sweet (occasionally, so don't push it) by goo'ing and gah'ing. Softly.
And even sweeter still by learning how to do the dishes.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Beets! Did someone say beets? Not only do they make a good meal in a pinch, but they also make an excellent hair conditioner!
Try some today!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are gonna have some early mornings this week.
Also, do not engage in any kind of violence towards Pakistan or Indiana this week.
[Horoscopes. Probably not to scale...]