The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The devil is in the details, and he sneaks out and jabs you with his tiny pitchfork sometime Wednesday. It will look like a bed bug bite, prompting a coworker to comment, "You let the bed bugs bite again, eh?"
Leo July 23 - August 22
A horde of international tabloid photographers will be camping out on your lawn most of the week, prompting you to bunker down in your living room with the blinds drawn and the lights off.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Be vigilant for any suspicious activity on your credit cards this week.
Like ants tap-dancing or inchworms doing the lambada. Or purchases of seven or more New Kids on the Block CDs from your local record shop.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't put off today what you could put off tomorrow. Also, leave out another bread from the freezer.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will see your cousin this week!
This, hopefully, doesn't jinx the trip like last time.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will get some rest... someday.
Just maybe not in 2007. At least the heartburn's gone, eh?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't swim against the current this week.
Umm... swim with it.
You knew a weak fish reference was way overdue for all you Pisceans.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Use it or lose it.
This could refer to any number of things, normally, but this week is exclusively about that deck of cards you have with the naked models on them.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Strangely, though you've even taken to standing by your mailbox, looking slightly forlorn, not a single shred of evidence of your horoscope has shown up.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Okay, here's the deal: you stop screaming every time a certain someone picks you up, and I'll buy you a chocolate cupcake a day for an entire month as soon as you can eat them.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Break out the celebratory Strohs!
Not for any particular reason, just try saying it with enough passion to convince people that there surely must be a reason you're drinking.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your arms will be very tired. And a pacifier soaked in brandy may be man's real best friend. Just putting that out there.
[Horoscopes. Literary intrigue!]