The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is the big time.
Don't forget to carry a hankie this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be mindful of your elders this week.
Especially when you're riding your scooter. With the old people cow catcher on the front.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Like a grain of sand in an oyster, a grain of sand in your pocket will really scratch your eyeglasses.
And will not grow into a pearl, which is where they differ.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Pack your bags, you're coming to America, like the Neil Diamond song!
Only less bombastic. And on Aer Lingus, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't mention.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This horoscope requires your immediate attention.
Umm... err... hi.
Eat chocolate cake if you can this week.
I know this is a bit of advice you might like to follow all the time. At least I do. So go for it this week!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Another week, another round of hanging out.
Someone will be doing a new dance, the Gyro, in your stomach. Or perhaps it's called the Butter Churner.
Whatever it is, there'll be a whole lot of shakin' goin' on.
This week is the week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I still don't have any pumpkin cake. Which is a tad disappointing.
Frozen apple crisp is nice... but not quite what we had specified. We'll mull it over this week and let you know whether or not we'll continue your horoscopes.
In the meantime, do the washing this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
If you are Julio Lugo, you might want to enter the witness protection program.
Or maybe move to Fiji.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Kid... you may have just cost Libras a horoscope for the rest of their natural lives.
Hang tight... if nothing happens by Monday night you may have yourself a very Scorpion-like situation.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No horoscope for you. This may change this week, however.
Wear you party hat for midnight, Monday, just in case.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Pick up your dry cleaning on Thursday.
If you have no dry cleaning, pick up someone else's. Security at dry cleaners can be notoriously lax, so I'd sneak in and try to get some nice suits.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You may need to get your blood pressure checked this week.
Just avoid game days.
[Horoscopes. Writer.app, great for you nutjobs about to try NaNoWriMo.]