The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Leave a little something to the imagination this week.
Like leave out every third word you would have said.
This will be a lot more difficult than it sounds and will require an incredible amount of planning.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Make sure you look before you leap into new ventures this week.
One will involve spear fishing, and you should not leap around whilst spear fishing. Unless you are really, really experienced. And if you have to ask, you're not experienced enough.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have an extraordinary fascination with beads this week.
Or beets. The glass is a little foggy this week, I'm having trouble reading the stars right. Maybe we need a new telescope.
If it's not too much trouble, mail us and tell us which one, beads or beets, it is, to help calibrate our horoscope-making machines.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Guys, listen up. On Friday, you're going to need to grab one of the flyers that will be distributed via the normal Gemini network (you know your appointed station), and give it to the man in the green fedora on Saturday morning while the pigeons are still asleep.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I wouldn't wear pigtails this week.
Just don't. Otherwise you will be a bizarre, yet sad, story in the paper this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Well, it's time.
Listen, the Bruins home opener is Thursday. So if you could wait...
Also, you have no need to worry, Saturn says your reign as queen of the household will not end this time 'round. Your loyal subjects will treat you even better than they have the last nine months.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Applying yourself this week could get you everything you ever wanted.
By "everything", of course, I mean probably one specific thing. Maybe. If you have a little luck go your way. Possibly.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Like a bad actor in a bad television series you will feel like you're saying the same thing over and over and over again, with little feeling. So you can either blame your writer for your poor week, or you can plan on being killed in next week's episode.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Sit back and watch her go.
Sometimes it's just best not to get involved with someone with a curious obsession with all things Rob Lowe. In any capacity.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nothing going on for you again this week.
Though you may have something, for the first time ever, next week.
No promises. We'll just see.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Why do I always think hamburgers at this stage in the horoscopes? It's odd, don't you think?
Don't piss off that squirrel outside your house on Wednesday.
You should probably carry some fresh acorns in your pockets to be absolutely sure you're not going to annoy him unnecessarily.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This promises to be an exciting week.
At least this time you have names nearly all picked out.
This is going to be a great week. One of the ones you'll want to save for all-time.
[Horoscopes. I'm a little disappointed, not a single mention of the story we broke last week.]