The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A new beet root drink will actually put hair on your chest.
Which is not so bad, if you're entering winter coat season and are out of shirts to wear underneath them, but bad if, say, you plan on hitting the gym and shedding layers, down to your t-shirt, through which tufts of hair will be sprouting, thanks to the old beet root juice.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Load up on carbs for the climb of your life on Thursday.
Note: you may require metaphorical carbs for metaphorical mountains.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Someone who has been meaning to call you actually had... there is some philosophical breakdown in the fundamental laws of Physics, and it must have eaten my call. Err, not mine, per-se, but someone's.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will make a real pig's ear of something this week.
Hopefully you're not a purse maker or anything.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You win, you win!
You're a winner this week, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Even Bart, the Nasty, Bitter Guy with a Hook for an Arm.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look beautiful this week.
That mad, nesting-like glint in your eye is somehow oddly attractive.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Okay, look, this is your last warning. I've been very patient, and perhaps a bit too subtle. We want some of your pumpkin cake. Get bakin'.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Dream big this week.
So big you bump into your neighbour's dreams a little bit.
Just take care to note which neighbour keeps a "No Trespassinng" sign up.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You're doing backflips this week.
This will be considerably more difficult when you get outside. Trust me.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sorry, no horoscope this week. Surprise, surprise.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Confide in someone you might not otherwise this week.
Now, when I say 'confide,' I mean you should make up a fake secret or two and feed them into this new confidant and see if they leak out anywhere else. This will help your spy training and begin your new career as an international person of mystery.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Is this the week your life changes yet again?
It could be... I've heard David Cassidy wants to get the band back together again!
[Horoscopes. Manny is a bad man...]