The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Yerba Buena is calling your name.
Unfortunately, it's mispronouncing it, and quite badly, at that.
I would ignore it until it gets it right if I were you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Roar like the tiger you are this week!
Now, I know Leos are lions. You know Leos are lions.
It's just... sometimes, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck, it's probably a duck.
And this week it's a tiger.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A leftover watermelon from the summer season will cause no end of trouble when it's placed at the end of your driveway.
Who knew they never tested cars with watermelons?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Ancient farmers used to separate the wheat from the chaff by tossing them in a basket and letting the wind blow away the chaff.
This is a very, very difficult way to try and find out your good friends from the bad.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Keep the doors shut this week.
You don't want flies or soaking wet wombats getting in and wreaking havoc in your kitchen.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Whilst kung foo fighting a band of thieves on Saturday you'll find you're getting slightly more winded than usual.
You will still look lovely, though. Try and wear the Sherlock Holmes jacket.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
So we'd ordered more of that pumpkin cake... and we seem to have none.
As of this moment we're holding this horoscope hostage.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Try and use geothermal energy this week.
Not too much, though.
Because it's heading into autumn, for Pete's sake.
And I need my cup of tea.
Libra September 23 - October 22
We've got the bed ready for you.
So any time you're ready, we're pretty much set. So...
(Oh, and sorry for saying you'd be making a "bog" entrance... Freudian slip, don't you know?)
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nothing for you, still.
You never know, though. If Pisces keep up their campaign of not giving us pumpkin cake, we may have a spare horoscope going to give to you poor folks.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The police patrol the river.
That is not a good place to perform your border crossing, then.
Especially as it's only from Waltham into Watertown.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your remote seeing powers are failing.
For instance, that giant stash of chocolate, moving into supermarkets around the area, nearly unprotected. Well, you missed your chance, man.
[Horoscopes. Not us, I swear.]