The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't stop believing in tomorrow. On the off chance that your solipsistic beliefs are true, and that everything is all your imagination, please don't stop believing in tomorrow.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Start preparing for a new arrival in your life.
It may be a big screen television, or it may be a tall, dark stranger.
Or a short, fair one.
Either way, have some cake on hand for them. Not the TV, of course. Just any strangers you might come upon.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Have faith this week.
It's nearly playoff time.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Gird yourself for the coming apocalypse.
Umm, by apocalypse I mean weekend, of course.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is an excellent week to start your own clothing line.
It's a shame we didn't tell you this last week, so you could have thought of a better name for it than "Milipaschelle's."
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I don't know why (possibly Saturn in retrograde), but you look especially beautiful this week.
You are nearing the completion of your tied for top most important project of all time.
These dates won't slip.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Pumpkin cake may be the new Munchkins. We expect weekly shipments. You know the address.
Otherwise the horoscope gets it.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I can't see what's going to happen with it, but I can see a fish wrapped in newspaper in your horoscope this week.
Well, all I can see is the fish head. I'm making assumption that the rest of the fish is in there, under the newspaper. Here's hoping.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You're about to make a very bog entrance...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
This horoscope is blank.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A misplaced earring causes an international incident for you this week.
Do not wear shirts with LEDs attached to them. Not if you're in and around Boston, anyway.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Friday will be fun.
Also, try something new on Thursday.
Ice cream is always a good source of new things. Check your local supermarket's freezer.
[Horoscopes. Stephen Fry's a geek.]