The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Keep your day job this week.
This may involved those pictures you took a long, long time ago, and have been keeping in the safety deposit box.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The pioneering spirit is alive and well in you this week.
This is largely referring to dinner on Thursday.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A local landmark will celebrate a grand re-opening the day after your birthday.
Next time we'll organize with the town council to sort that out.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't be fooled by marketing this week.
Sure, that car has less features, but when one of the features is a live cougar in the trunk, you'll want to skip that feature.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Spider monkeys!
Your week is going to be busy. Buy a lint brush, if you can, early in the week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Maybe if you plied a certain someone with chocolate they would stop kicking you in the organs.
I may be referring to the person sitting next to you on the couch, or the person in your belly.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The Universe is a vast place.
And your place in it is finite.
So if you don't pick up the socks you dropped on the bedroom floor on Monday, someone is going to be really annoyed.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Bare your soul to the first person you meet on Sunday.
Otherwise you're going to bare it an inopportune time in the middle of the week, when you really need to pee.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Is Life still a rollercoaster if you just seem to keep going down, down, down?
At least, if it does go up, you may be able to sue for whiplash. Which could be considered more up, by some.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
(this space left intentionally blank.)
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It's National Gerbil Week!
So get out there and start kickin' gerbils!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Take it easy this week.
Just a note: your butler is off this week. They wanted us to let you know.
[Horoscopes. This is definitely how they got where they are now.]