The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Reach out to those nearest you this week.
Because reaching out to anyone further away is akin to reaching across the dinner table for the salt. Or pickles.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An imaginary fire will break out in the kitchen this week.
This is an excellent time to break out your imaginary fire hose and put it out. Not a great time to be cooking imaginary dinner, though.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Grab the marmot by the horns this week.
This directive illustrates a fundamental problem with your week: the marmot has no horns.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
She walked out into the rain like an albatross after happy hour.
Drops plinked into the river, sounding like butterflies, divebombing Peru again.
She would not be wronged. Not this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Turn on the charm this week to get things done your way.
Just be prepared to put on a apron and get your hands dirty while being as charming as you can be.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will, remarkably, solve world hunger this week while trying to get gift cards into a new shop in Luxembourg.
The world's starving will thank you. Not personally, but you'll feel the karmic thanks.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Leave that $5 on the kitchen counter alone. It's not for you.
Also, tell someone the details of that Sturbridge run again.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Putting faith in tomorrow is all well and good, but I would invest cold, hard cash in yesterday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Stand up to the Man this week.
This may involve wearing tie dye. I know, I know, just grin and bear it.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I've got absolutely nothing for you. So there.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A knock on the head from a bar of cheese (similar to a bar of soap, only I wouldn't try cleaning myself with a bar of cheese) will leave you woozy and unable to function this week.
Your excuse, however, about the cheese, may raise suspicions from a lot of people.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The bishop has the dossier.
Approach with care, though.
[Horoscopes. What say ye? Yay or Nay? Or suggest something else here.]