The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Get someone to watch your back for you this week.
Because your neck is bothering you a little bit, and doesn't need the extra strain.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's banned in most professional sports, but I think you should try performance enhancing drugs at your workplace.
Reading Sane Magazine counts. Which is why you don't see us on the screens of any laptops in a lot of sports locker rooms.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have a supremely relaxing week.
Except for the squirrel who opts to hitch a ride with you from Cape Cod to Worcester County.
Squirrels, for your info, do not travel well. But you'll find this out this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Forget trying to get anything done. That pesky friend with the dodgy lawnmower will be pestering you entirely too much to proceed as normal.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Learn to live with your mistakes this week.
Just like spelling mistakes are largely (and sometimes accurately) a thing of the past now, thanks to auto-spellchecking and computers, so, too, will computers solve wine stains on the living room rug, relationship troubles, and lice.
Not accusing you of having any of those, in particular, at the moment, just giving examples.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
While you try to appear hard-nosed on the outside, you're actually a soft, flaky, buttery croissant on the inside.
It's sweet of you to appear menacing in the face of adversity this week, but you should heed someone else's advice and take a nap instead.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'd better run, ruuuuuuuun! RUN!
Oh, wait, wrong week.
You'd better bring Munchkins... Muuuuuuunchkins, MUNCHKINS!
Or maybe I will, this time. At any rate, your week will involve Munchkins.
[How can Dunkin Donuts possibly not have noticed our obvious ploys for sponsorship (in the form of Munchkins) thus far?]
Aries March 21 - April 19
Silverfish will have a lot of say in your week.
Especially if you're squeamish around a lot of them.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't tempt the Fates this week.
I mean it. I know what you're thinking... I'll just tempt them a little bit... but don't do it.
Especially if you're doing it with food. They've headed off on a diet recently, and are very fragile at the moment.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If you can't join 'em... well, you're you. And "'em" is every other sign in the constellations.
Nothing for you again this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Life will appear to come crashing down around your ears this week.
But, if you're patient, you'll see that it's just the cardboard cutout of life that someone had stuck up in front of your windows.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Funny, but Saturn in your House of Good Fortune means your legs don't seem to work quite right this week.
It's that or that five mile run you did on Monday.
Also, wear plaid on Wednesday.
[Horoscopes. A delightful book for a book group.]