The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A lemon and beet milkshake will be your most unpleasant experience of the week.
Which is to say it'll be pretty unpleasant, but at least no one dies.
Umm. Unless you're allergic to lemons or beets, that is.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't back down to a challenge this week.
Unless it's the Pepsi (tm) challenge. There's just no way you can win that one.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Choose your friends wisely, and keep your enemies near.
Unfortunately, one of your enemies is rather rude and disgusting, and the friends you're attempting to choose this week will be turned off this particular enemy of yours, but, because of the enemy's close proximity to yourself, they'll think you're friends with that person, and won't want to be friends with someone who's friends with someone like that, and you'll just fail to make any good friends this week until you decide to change course and keep your enemies as far away as humanly possible.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You'll have to lick a lot of stamps this week.
Sadly, it'll be so many stamps that you won't be in much of a state to do anything else this week.
It's time to invest in stick-on stamps.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do. Not. Touch. The. Thing. In. The. Bowl. On. The Counter.
If the little hazard sticker seemed like a joke you'll quickly find out it isn't if you do.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You should book a trip to the South of France. What's stopping you?
Besides, of course, airline regulations, I mean.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'd better be prepared to run.
And then stop and walk for a bit. And walk some more. And then stop and call an ambulance. And then start running again, once the ambulance has cleared away your erstwhile running partner.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your latest obsession with vintage gear will do you no good when the world is taken over by digital devices.
Because a waistcoat and girdle still aren't enough to stop a Tazer directly to the midsection.
And if you don't believe me... well, I don't recommend attempting a self-Tazering to try and find out, either.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will have an elliptical week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You lived a long and fruitful life, and are survived by... wait, sorry. Horoscopes, not obituaries. Got the two mixed up this week. Doh. No horoscope for you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
People are like hot dogs at sporting events. Some come out of a metal steamer and some spin for hours upon hours upon hours on a series of little metal tubes rotating under a heat lamp.
If you learn this lesson you'll have a great chance of having a good week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Jesus. H. Christ. The biggest bug I've ever seen just wafted, yes, wafted right across the screen as I was about to write your horoscope... I'm taking it as a sign.
I would walk around town in a mosquito net for as long as humanly possible this week, not allowing anything you forgot to bring in when you first sequestered yourself to be passed in, for fear of bugs getting in.
Yes, this will make brushing your teeth difficult, if you forget your toothbrush at the beginning. Here's a tip: Don't forget your toothbrush.
[Horoscopes. Get in line now, I suppose...]