The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Watch your back around good friends who may not be all they seem.
Your feet are going to smell... peculiar this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
I would stay away from a certain stinky Taurus this week.
This may mean you need to take toll roads. Make sure you carry enough change.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's funny... you find yourself reporting to work as a toll collector this week.
If you're a toll collector normally it may not seem that weird to you.
Don't worry about how it looks, just wear a surgical mask, if no oxygen masks are available.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Listen to your heart. All that thump-thumping is morse code for: Order the sea bass.
Use it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Keep your own counsel this week.
Also, if you have beets, now is the time to use them.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
A couple people will be missing you this week.
Really, really missing you.
But not on Friday morning. Because one of the two people will insist on watching planes land at Logan all Thursday night, trying to get a glimpse of a pilot, or, failing that, a policeman, walking through the arrivals hall.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't tick off any badgers you meet this week.
It's not that they're actually princes with a spell cast on them or anything, it's just that, with Jupiter entering retrograde in the house of Pisces badgers just always seem to be in a foul mood.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stand up tall and proud this week of who you are and what you've done in life.
Also, go fishing.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your favourite flavour of ice cream this week will have shifted from pistachio to mint chocolate chip this week.
Upon learning this at your local purveyor of ice cream you will run home, bar the door, and draw the shades, for fear of finding out anything else has changed.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No ho ho.
No horoscope for the wicked. No rest for the Scorpios.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Sticky fingers in the kitchen ruin the pie.
But if you bring over frozen custard from Chilly Cow it's all okay.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be very lonely this week.
And busy. And you would also find this week an excellent week to learn how to use a hair brush. Not on your own hair, mind you.
[Horoscopes. Wow.]