The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Like a circus monkey, you will not like living in a cage this week.
But the little hat actually looks better on you than it does on the monkey.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Happy birthday to you!
It feels like the birthday, umm, day has been going on for the last month, but we'll let you enjoy it, anyway.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Be good to the person you meet on Wednesday.
She is going to start talking eventually, and people will start asking questions about the stale bread and water meals you were feeding her.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Try and focus on just a couple things this week.
And not like those pictures where everything looks fuzzy and distorted, only there's a sailboat in there, if you focus hard enough. Or so everyone keeps telling you. But you can't see it, and it just bugs you, so you just tell everyone you can see it, though you kind of know that no one believes you, and rightfully so.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Many successful people start out without two nickels to rub together.
Of course, success isn't measured by money, necessarily.
And perhaps those successful people had the nickels, they just saw no point in rubbing them together. Who knows? It may be one of life's great mysteries. Attempt to solve it this week and get back to us.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will receive an iPhone this week.
I know, I know, don't thank us, thank the stars.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
As a thank you for the coconut seven layer bars, you will win the lottery this week and solve world hunger and get the Nobel Peace prize for the hunger thing with one simple set of numbers.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life will hand you the keys to a new Porsche this week.
Which is considerably better than it handing you lemons like it always does, expecting lemonade.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Peanut butter is the solution to all your problems this week.
Including your leaky tyre on Thursday.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Be careful of the... umm, sorry, no, no horoscope for you. Just don't wear tall hats this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Accept an invitation to dinner on Wednesday.
Also, beware of sharks on the way there.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't attempt to shave blindfolded this week.
Sorry, that should have been: Don't attempt to shave a gila monster blindfolded this week.
[Horoscopes. Further Fenway Fiction is out this week. Pick up a copy or seven...]