The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be good this week. Someone is watching you.
His name is Jimmy the Fish.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It will all fall apart like a chocolate cake in a windstorm this week.
So make time to clean up the mess at the end of the week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week the "glue someone back together again" trick in your bag of tricks may be in order to repair the damage from last week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
So your house is a little full this week.
Here's a way to make it seem bigger: if you have sheep, goats, pigs, horses, cows, and chickens, bring them all inside. And then go sleep in the barn.
If you have no livestock I'm afraid there's no easy fix.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Don't go near the water fountain this week.
Unless you're wearing floaties.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
After your stunning week of last week, you would imagine you can't top it.
However, the reunited Beatles, including the deceased, singing "Happy Birthday" to you will really make the birthday week for you.
Well, okay, maybe not that. But think: "Bioluminescence."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Keep yourself to yourself this week.
Unless what other people are doing seems really interesting.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will not want to get on the wrong side of the law this week.
Especially in your town.
Just not a good week. Shoplift something next week, if you must do something, but not this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Emotional blackmail is not a nice way to get your iPhone.
But you have to do what you have to do.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nada surf for you, yo. And nada horoscopio.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will feel extremely talkative this week.
Don't talk to the guy in the trenchcoat, though.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are one week closer to your new gadget.
Oh, stop and sniff the kelp this week.
[Horoscopes. Just because... a drunk squirrel.]