The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Things are they seem this week.
Which means that giant strawberry tart in your front yard is going to take more than a couple clean forks to work away.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Go fish.
Try doing it in a stream or other non-chlorinated body of water.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your green beans will speak volumes this week.
Which will make it incredibly hard to eat them.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you think it will help, try rubbing garlic on that wound (actual or metaphorical).
It won't, but if you think it will, well, maybe that's half the imaginary battle.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be wary around open manhole covers this week.
The feral tigers living in the sewers in your area come out at night.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will see some very nervous-looking Capricorns walking around this week.
Remember that time on the beach?
Use that in your next meeting. Like say, "Hey man, just relax, would you? And learn how to mix some sort of rum drink for the next meeting."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
When the hairs raise on the back of your neck on Thursday you might want to make sure all little ones in the house are accounted for. They may have finally gotten the hair-raising hair raiser implement from the box of cereal they sent away for.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stop. Just stop, right where you are. Don't move a muscle. We'll be back next week with further instructions.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your tiny little feet will stink to high heaven this week.
Which is, apparently, enough to get you kicked out of a restaurant. A McDonald's, even.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I had a vision I had to give you a horoscope.
But not today.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Learn to walk on the side of life with no handrail.
Just, umm, maybe stop wearing rollerblades for the first couple weeks or so. And the ball-bearing-based shoes you have. They should go, too.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Busy busy busy.
That's you, this week.
[Horoscopes. I'm only providing the link.]