The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
For a brief moment on Tuesday you will gain absolute and total enlightenment.
And then some guy will snap a wet towel across your butt, snapping it right away again.
That's what you get for attempting to achieve enlightenment in the locker room of a major league baseball team after a win.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't lose hope.
You're the only one with the original copy, and if you lose it there are going to be a heck of a lot of angry people out there.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Thanks for the pea soup!
Your reward this week will be six golden camels.
So when the UPS guy pulls up outside on Thursday, you'd better have space cleared...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Big things are in store for you this week... in Donegal.
Ask the butcher in Killybegs for a half pack of sausages and a pack of beef bullion cubes and be prepared to be amazed... when he brings out... the Grail!
Well, a life-size replica of the Holy Grail, as part of a promotion they're having this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your week will begin with you walking on the ceiling.
This may or may not be a metaphor.
Especially if you're an astronaut, and on duty this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Two people are really going to miss you this week.
Luckily you have one carry-along friend with you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Is the delivery coming this week?
Magic eight ball... err... the stars say it may be so. Saturday. 3:34PM. EST.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A little butter on nearly every thing this week will improve it tenfold.
Except for one thing, which will be improved only fivefold. Go figure.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Do something for someone else. It doesn't have to be something big, and they don't have to even notice it. Every little bit towards your karmic good bucket will help.
Do ask first, though, if you plan on doing something involving cooked liver, as not all people will appreciate this, and not only will it negatively impact your karma score, but it'll also stink up your house.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nyet.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Whew! You dodged a bullet this week!
I almost mistook you for a Scorpio.
This will happen to a lot this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
So. You have your answer. Cash out.
Also, you will really, really, really miss someone this week.
[Horoscopes. Life's tough, you need tough boots... and the Bruins could use a player like ole Bobby.]