The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Many false starts to your week will have you completely unprepared when the starter's gun really goes off on Wednesday.
More unprepared for the fact that someone's firing it at YOU! Well, not so unprepared, now, as, presumably, you've read this, and will now be expecting it.
If you're reading this on Thursday or later, well... maybe you should try reading your horoscope earlier in the week, then.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be feeling better about things this week.
Primarily that you will not have to eat that taco beef salad someone made for you on Monday, having passed on it for a day.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A small gesture you make towards someone will be bigger than you could have imagined.
It must have been that giant foam finger you've taken to wearing recently that did it.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be finished in that town you live in.
Or so someone at the supermarket will exclaim to you, while you're picking out bread.
Guess it's time to move again.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
No one can tell you how to live your life.
However, a lot of people can tell you which stocks to buy.
I wouldn't listen to the vast majority of them.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Have some rhubarb pie this week.
It's looking like a rhubarb pie kind of week.
Where this pie will come from, I have no idea. You will show extreme skill in acquiring good things without really knowing how you did.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Be brave about certain decisions you make this week.
Like, for example, about that hat you wear on Friday.
Don't feel the need to wear it simply because it was a gift. If the things' ugly, it's ugly all the way.
Also, I owe you a box of Munchkins.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A rabid cosmonaut will chase you down the street on Saturday, holding a pair of your pants and a tyre iron.
All in all, I'd give this week a nine out of ten.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Time to tackle a tough problem at work. Wear your metaphorical shoulder pads and a mean look (metaphorical or actual, your choice) to the office on Thursday.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No news for you on any front.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone wise once said, "Follow your dreams."
You will have the opportunity to do that a lot this week, as the horoscope writer recommends lots of sleep. Which is nearly as good as a prescription.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will bring someone rhubarb pie this week.
The weird thing is, when you are confronted about it, you will not have any idea how it got there, nor how you acquired the aforementioned pie.
"It's just one of those things," you'll say.
[Horoscopes. Pretty cool, sort of, from Harper Collins. I suppose.]