The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Instead of feeling sore about a sleight but a close friend, take comfort in the fact that you won't pay a lot for your muffler.
Leo July 23 - August 22
At the end of the year, you will feel that if you had one week to do over in 2007 it would be this one.
Not that you're going to get that chance, it's just the way the week is.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The past can teach you many things.
It cannot, however, teach you how to make an omelet without breaking any eggs.
Strange, then, that that guy on Friday will be offering to teach that very lesson. He doesn't seem any more authoritative than the past might be.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will literally get paid peanut this week.
If you are allergic you might want to line up someone to trade them to for something you can enjoy early.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be still this week.
Like a koan in the forest. One without, presumably, bugs flying around, making you more inclined to twitch and move.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are cuter than an impossibly cute cupcake this week.
If you look very closely, there is a face in this horoscope, which, as you will see, makes it all the more personable, and sellable.
That'll be five bucks.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Life's lessons take many forms.
However, I'd just go ahead and clean the mould off the bathroom ceiling, because it's probably not housing any hidden lessons, and you're probably just being lazy.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Tar is very, very sticky.
This is one thing you will learn this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A small step for someone is a very large step (backwards) for you.
Spatially, I don't know how that works, so it must be a metaphor.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
GOOOOOOAL! Err. I mean. No horoscope for you. Still.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Stop looking at those websites.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week will be better than that one back in '86 with the army fatigues and Tang(tm). Although, now that I think of it, not the first such week that pops into your head when I say that, the second one.
[Horoscopes. Ours resembles one of these... can you guess which?]