The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
All the world's your stage this week.
Just don't forget to wear pants, it's not that kind of show.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This will be the succession of thoughts for you on Monday:
Ohh! Oh! Ohh! Presents!
[muffled, from under piles of wrapping paper] Ohh! Oh! Bows!
Oh! Car!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Plane!
Needless to say, it'll be a good week for you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
So people brought you a lot of figgy pudding this week. Now if only the songs told you what to do with it...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your house will seem mighty small this week.
I would hide all the pens. Put them in the blender, no one will look there.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is a week to sit back and reflect on all the things you've been able to do over the course of the year.
Nearly starving your poor younger cousin to death will rank highly on your list.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This is a week for relaxing. Not poleaxing, though they rhyme.
You will like Monday, most of Tuesday, and nearly all of Friday the best.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Approach others with caution this week.
For instance, that crazy guy on the street corner downtown you'll 'meet' on Thursday? Probably best to just keep your head down and keep on walking.
If only to avoid being whacked in the head by one of the fish he's twirling over his head.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I don't know what possessed you to eat that beef jerky on Saturday.
Or what you will appear to be possessed by in the aftermath of eating it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Boogie like it's 1994 this week.
Just remember what happened that fateful September 1994, and see if it doesn't colour your mood a little bit.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no 1994 to celebrate this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Peanuts to penguins, this week will be considerably better than the last.
Which is to say, "It's safe to come out of the bunker now. Just wear a coat."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Close the book, and close it damn hard, on 2006.
If it will make you feel better, set fire to something very small and containable, in as safe a manner as possible. After all, there are still days left this week for 2006 to really bite you in the a**.
[Horoscopes. Get festive! (on a Mac, anyway)]