The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Wear ginger this week.
The spice, not the colour.
Also, get rid of that hair tie.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're in charge this week - so make sure whomever's supposed to be taking care of you has a good supply of chocolate on hand and knows which video you can stand on repeat, and which ones you can't.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be taking a long sojourn in the desert, for 40 days, and... wait. No, sorry. It'll be a short one for you. It's the other guy who's got that 40 days, 40 nights trick out there. Carry an extra sandwich with you, in case you run into him out there.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Patience is a virtue.
Your week is either going to be extremely virtuous or a bloody mess.
And by 'bloody' I mean the traditional sticky liquid sort.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
An old hat is just as good as a new one with a little spit and polish.
It's stickier, as well.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will make your flight on Friday evening.
Be sure to scan the crowd on Saturday morning for a short little greeter. And the tall one, holding him. They'll have been there since Wednesday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Gibbons could not tear you away from your chosen path this week.
Now that I've said that, though, an Aries gets it into their head to try and test this out.
Aries March 21 - April 19
It's going to be tough, but you're going to need to locate and rent a half dozen particularly active gibbons this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your talent for forgetting names and faces will reach a new height this week, failing to recognise a single person you meet this week.
You blame it on your job as an undercover agent, working in Prague for the first time, but your friends know you haven't left the immediate ten blocks around your apartment in months, and your apartment doesn't happen to be in Prague.
NB. This means, necessarily, that there are no Libras in Prague. Go figure.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A stone falls to Earth for the same reason a monkey, when goaded, will attempt to divert a Piscean from the course of their normal routine.
That, my friend, is nothingness theory.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Listen, unless you want your gibbons coming back slightly soiled, don't let on to any Aries who come sniffing about that you have one or two.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Things necessary for camping out in an airport: sleeping bag, tent, flashlight, water bottle, gas grill, and jacuzzi.
Good luck. Get down there Wednesday before all the good spots are taken. Terminal C.
[Horoscopes. "Leaving only the growing terror of nothing to think about" - T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets]