The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
My biggest piece of advice for you this week: Oh man, I've got tomato sauce on my shorts.
My new piece of advice for you this week is don't wear white after Labor Day, and don't prepare pasta while wearing white.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is a big week for you, squirt.
And I feel like I can call you squirt because this week Mercury is hogging your Third House of Being Tall.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You won't like ferrets this week.
You won't be able to put a finger on it, but they'll just bug you.
So stay away from any places you're likely to see people carrying ferrets, or just ferrets in the wild, because your reaction will not be a thing to behold.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Try a new food this week, or a new yoga pose, or start talking to a stranger... with the stars aligned the way they are, it means people won't be able to see your facial expressions all that well, so they won't be able to tell if you don't like the food, pulled something with the yoga stretch, or don't really find the stranger's conversation all that interesting.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A funny smell will be coming out of one of your closets this week.
This is not the week to look into this sort of thing.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look beautiful.
And you look very comfortable, sitting on your new comfy couch.
Eventually, though, someone will complain, if you don't move from it, after four straight days.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Take this week to exceed people's expectations.
The simplest way may be to stuff as many jelly beans in your mouth as you possibly can.
However, if you can only stuff six jelly beans in there, you might want to look for some other expectation to exceed.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your pants will just be extraordinarily poofy this week, today especially.
Don't try squeezing through any tight spots, as a result.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Filly Jackson will have a bone or two to pick with you.
Just wear them cattle dusters, and keep your head down, and you should be okay.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I've really got bupkis for you. Lo siento.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Be sure of yourself before leaping this week.
And existential crisis in the middle of your leap of faith on Saturday may result in you spinning in a special gravitational field all to yourself for the rest of the month.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Don't give up.
Unless it'd be easier to just sit around and eat ice cream. Then feel free.
[Horoscopes. Faaaaalling blocks...]