The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Life will look different from someone else's perspective.
Try asking that guy working down in the manhole on Wednesday if he can help you out.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's the old man who bumps his head when it's raining and pouring, not you.
So don't go bumping your head this week, y'hear?
Also, chocolate ice cream will be an especially nice treat on Thursday.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Take control of your life this week!
If you need a prop to help you visualise, try using one of those plastic steering wheel/fake dashboard things for kids.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Not so fast!
Put that cookie back... gently... gently...
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be wary of people trying to befriend you with crackers and peanuts.
They may think you are an animal in the zoo.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
A long trip is in your future.
Make sure your tyres are properly pumped up.
And bring earplugs, lots and lots of earplugs.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Thank you for the coconut/chocolate/graham cracker brownie thing.
You will be rewarded with a small pouch full of gold.
NB. That may be a metaphorical pouch of gold... meaning the sun may shine on Friday, or something, not necessarily an actual pouch of gold.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Pizza!
This doesn't really have any bearing on your week, I just like shouting "pizza" and seeing what will happen.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't be nasty to people this week.
Unless you have an aluminium bat to back up your actions.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Bleed your week like a leech bleeds a prize steer that falls into the mucky pool in which the leech lives. That is to say, slowly.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your week will be like cold tea.
Which is unfortunate, but so long as it doesn't have the consistency of a cold tea bag, it'll be bearable.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you learn anything in life this week, it should be this: shoot at the tyres.
[Horoscopes. Thank God it's not called Bruins any more.]