The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is your week to shine.
Unfortunately, it's because of your spectacularly oily skin.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have learned to say your own name by week end.
Not as impressive if you're older than one or so years old, it's still an accomplishment you can take pride in. However, you may want to point out that you can also tie your shoes, if you are older than one. If, that is, you can tie your shoes. Make sure you check beforehand.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Life as a pineapple begins this week.
Oh, yeah, maybe we should mention that you wake on Thursday as a pineapple.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't hold any strong convictions this week, be slippery as an eel in olive oil.
This will help you escape from Alcatraz, where an evil genius will have corralled, by some clever mass mailings, the entire world's population of Gemini.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A PONY!!!!
That's what this week has in store for you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
At long last, you will receive a gift of purest gold... err, metal and plastic and rubber.
Friday. Wear your runners.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Oh man, I don't know what it is, but you are going to have some really smelly feet this week. Mostly on Wednesday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Put on your "I look like I"m gonna cry at any moment" face.
This will help build people's confidence in you as a... crybaby, I suppose.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Who knows what the future may hold for you?
Probably not chicken fried ice cream, I can tell you that much.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Nothing for you today, mate.
Not a thing.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Stop beating yourself up.
If you still want to, try putting oranges in a bag and hitting yourself with that; it won't leave as obvious marks.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This is the first week of the rest of the month.
Start small this month, start small.
[Horoscopes. This is funny, the tech guys in the office assure me.]