The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't eat peanut butter.
Also, Thursday will be unpleasant.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Life sometimes smells like roses. At other times, it smells like fish socks.
As a birthday present, I won't tell you where you get them or what fish socks might smell like.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be in California this week, attending the Annual Conference on Virgoians by and for Virgos.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't step on any toadstools this week.
Mercury has this deal with toads, because they did him a favour.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Look out for falling rocks.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will receive a higher place in heaven for someone making a royal mess of things.
You will be at Level 17, which is equivalent to Field Box seats at Fenway, currently retailing for $4,782.99.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Spare a thought or two for the little people this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't dance naked in the rain on Friday, as tempting as it may be.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Spit twice on Thursday and prosper. Just so long as you're careful about where you're spitting.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The devil is in the details, and this week is no different. And he gets very pissed off if you joke about him being in the detailing on tha Camaro you'll see parked at the side of the road on Saturday. He hears that one a lot, apparently.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Good luck.
[Horoscopes. Which one would you choose?]