The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take the week off.
If the person presently fanning the horoscope writer is a Taurus, you are not the intended audience of this comment. You should fan like you've never fanned before!
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you can see infinity in a grain of sand, well, I guess you just unnecessarily spent all that money on new glasses, didn't you?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
I want you to buy a backpack, a pair of climbing shoes, crampons, a pickaxe, and a warm jacket -- we're going mountain climbing!
Your lofty goal for this week is to climb the world's tallest mountain. Which is odd, as normally you're not enamoured with the idea of braving the elements whilst clinging to the side of a rockey precipice.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
People will turn to you this week for answers.
So have that Magic Eight Ball (tm) handy.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Seek the perspective of an outsider this week.
Just tell them you'd like to borrow it, and will get it dry cleaned before bringing it back.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are the whole package this week: like a burrito with a hamburger, hot dog, crisps, and salad all wrapped up inside along with the beans and ground beef!
Oh, and you'll find your birthday present in the middle console of the car, between the driver and passenger seat.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
People close to you will begin to worry about your literacy levels, especially when you start showing up with coconut chocolate brownie things. Instead of Munchkins.
It isn't a Simon Says game, you know.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Someone will look to you like sheep look to a shepherd this week.
Oh, don't worry about missing it, the guy bleating and rubbing up against your leg will be hard to miss.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The answer to the great, burning question you have on Thursday is: turkey.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no soul. Err, horoscope. Sorry, that must have slipped out. Of course you have a soul, right? Anyway, no horoscope, is all. Heh.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Peanut butter and warships are like Forgiveness is to ...
If you can fill in the blank, and this week, of any, you can, use this information to make the lives of those around you better. Or at least less quiet.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If last week was chucking you curveballs, this week you get a knuckleball pitcher with a strong wind blowing in from left field.
[Horoscopes. Oh. My. God.]