The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be careful what you wish for.
Especially if you mumble when you wish for things.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have a hard time getting your point across this week.
Have a watermelon, and take solace in the fact that you're eating a watermelon and the people not getting your point aren't. Unless they are, but if you can turn a blind eye to that you can still enjoy it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It will be a struggle to make yourself clear this week.
While this may sound like a simple retread of the Leo's horoscope this week, it's not.
And if you start arguing that it really does sound like it is, well, you'll see that you trouble making your argument terribly clear. Thus, ipso facto.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't forget your hairspray this weekend.
Even if you don't have hair, it'll come in handy, just you wait and see.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your first word on Friday morning will be "burrito."
I have no idea why, this is just the way it goes... the stars work in mysterious ways.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Saturn says you look really beautiful this week.
Mercury agrees.
It must be your birthday month, your birthday month!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your new responsibilities this week will include Munchkin delivery for your new ward. And his dad.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Oh man.
Look, let's just get this out of the way: I am really, really sorry about how your week is going to go this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Stop and sniff the roses this week. But don't be upset if people try to tell you to get away from their roses.
You are, after all, carrying a pair of pinking shears in your hand.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Go fish.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A happy accident will still hurt like the dickens this week.
It just means there might have been laughing gas involved. And a chainsaw. And salt water.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your face will melt off on Tuesday night.
On the plus side, this will make for a really interesting conversation starter later in the week.
[Horoscopes. The Bruins on the front page of the sports section? In weather like this? J Jacobs spending money? What's happening?]