The Horoscopes
Hooking foul.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you are a baseball player, and chose yourself in the fantasy baseball draft earlier this year, and your team happens to be doing really poorly, in large part to one specific player, well, I wouldn't go shooting my mouth off to the press too much about fans paying attention to stats and numbers.
You'll have cost yourself $100 by the end of the season.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Be good this week.
Rather, you will be good this week. Because we're predicting, not asking or telling.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be given the opportunity of a lifetime this week.
No, the Red Sox won't be calling you up to ease their starting pitching problem, but it's close. About twenty minutes away, in fact.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will be receiving an air mail package this week.
It may or may not be the child you recently made very, very bold.
His parents have decided to let you fix him.
Return postage will be included.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You can learn a lot from a dragonfly this week.
Like, for example, flying repeatedly into a window will not get you far in life.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look very cute.
Get an air conditioner this week.
Also, you were right... maybe it does get hot in Massachusetts, too. I would type more, but I keep dripping sweat on the keys.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Congratulations!
And, umm, sorry.
You see, though, it's all part of a horoscope writer's job to make predictions based on certain astrological signs. And yours happened to say, "Get me some more munchkins." Oh, wait, no, that wasn't what it said...
Aries March 21 - April 19
This is not the week to run around, scaring everyone with your talk of UFOs and mutilated garbanzo beans.
Wait until next week, when the invasion's begun and your raving will make more sense.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You would like to think you're indispensible to your work, but when you get hit by a bus (a small bus, don't worry), they take the opportunity to invoke a little known bus-hitting clause in your contract, which effectively terminates your employment with the company. Or relegates you to office gopher, at least.
If you already are the office gopher, well, at least you'll get to keep your job.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Whoa. Oh, wait, sorry, no horoscope for you.
Whew, close one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you like ice cream, don't miss the thing down by the harbour this week, where Sagittarii get free ice cream! Yay!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your plan to get cheap labour by capturing gullible Sagittarii down at the harbour and shipping them out to your secret Caribbean hideaway where you manufacture... stuff has gone to plan this week.
Oh, and remember to buy an air conditioner this week. You eejit.
[Horoscopes. Who are they?]