The Horoscopes
Stop, hey, what's that sound?
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A wrench, flying through the air, end over end, acquires a particular grace, especially as the non-business end rotates above the other, as gravity takes its hold and tugs at the top end, "Stay awhile," it coos, "stay with me..." as it loses its grip and the wrench hurtles forward, tipping over and over again.
Of course, I wouldn't stand admiring it too long this week, otherwise the end of your week will be spent in the hospital with wrench wounds to the head.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If Life gives you minced meat, shove it in your mouth as quickly as you can.
Because you can't make lemonade from it, and its pellet-like consistency makes it an ideal food to shovel into your mouth, the actual food entering your mouth to food winding up on the floor ratio not being very good, therefore a perfect scene for seeming more dramatic than it really is.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will feel an odd compulsion to travel east this week.
So go on, don that Marco Polo hat you've been dying to wear and head on out!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Get that room painted!
Pick those weeds!
Entertain that kid!
America, it has been said, is a very demanding place.
As you will find out first hand this week, now that the niceties are over.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Look for the giraffe in the sky.
Unless you're riding in a cherry picker (in which case, what are you doing in that cherry picker?). Giraffes are tall, but not that tall.
Also, watch out for low bridges up there.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
All your troubles will be solved on Friday morning.*
* Note, actual troubles solved may vary. Not applicable in all states and/or countries.
Be nice to strangers.
You're off to a bewitching sort of place this weekend.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will receive a cryptic email this week.
But then it will just turn out to be spam, so your mind will be put at ease...
Or is it just spam?
Where is Waldo, anyway?
Is this all happening due to a significant lack of Munchkins?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Nothing, and I mean nothing, will prepare you for Wednesday.
Oh, unless you run to the store, right now, and get yourself a can of whipped cream.
And matches.
Libra September 23 - October 22
So the bull trampling (trampling of you, not vice versa) from last week still smarts a bit this week.
Hang out in bed, drink plenty of water, and stop watching those videos you were watching at the end of last week.
You'll quickly be on the road to recovery, physically, at least. Psychically, however, you may never recover.
At the very least I'd avoid bulls for a few months.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Give it up.
If you love something, set it free. If it loves you back, it'll return. If it's your horoscope, it wont return, regardless.
Or maybe it will...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
For the darndest reasons, you're going to have the worst time concentrating this week, it'll be like a... ooohhhh, buttons! Shiney buttons!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You've somehow acquired a gardener, without putting out any ads or asking around.
You could try this same approach with the lottery this week: attempt to win it big without buying a ticket.
It won't work as well, but you could try it.
[Horoscopes. A few new words from William Gibson.]