The Horoscopes
Hold on, now.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Bring someone you really like roses this week.
If you're shy, and prone to fits when confronting the person you have a crush on, well, one piece of advice: clip the thorns off the darn roses, already.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are the epitome of a stranger in a strange land. House, anyway.
Whether or not the strangeness goes may or may not be up to you.
And the plastic, bulbous-nosed clown with the maniacal grin in the upstairs closet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your house will seem eerily empty, save for the joyful whooping noises you make, just to hear the echo.
Until, that is, you realise there's no one to vacuum the house any more but you.
I recommend approaching the local Freemasons (careful!) and asking them to help out... claim it's in their code... and if they object, say they obviously aren't high up enough in the ranks to know such things.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will lean perilously close to the edge of madness this week.
It will be when you're dodging out of the way of the shop assistant's wildly swinging broom. For reference, the market has started stocking madness on the same aisle as it has the canned peas.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Flowers will seem like they're gazing at you this week.
Which you'll only notice if you're really short.
So if you notice, consider it payback for all those times you've sniffed 'em.
And if you don't notice, well, you're one willful person, aren't you?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I envision... cardboard boxes... lots and lots and lots of paper, and I mean lots, a whole heck of a lot of cleaning supplies, ice cream, wine, and maybe sleep, in your future this week.
And the tooth-brushing faeries will visit you as you sleep, and take care of all that oral hygiene stuff for you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Saturn demands you bake more oatmeal chocolate chip cookies because one measly container of them goes far too quickly.
And I don't want to tell you what would happen if you didn't...
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will make it through the week. Barely.
Oh, wait... no, sorry, you will make it through this week.
It's just next week that's not looking so good.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Do as James Joyce says.
Just be sure you're following something he says in Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Dubliners, or maybe Ulysses. Otherwise, you might wind up getting arrested. Again.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A great calm will descend upon you.
I would love to tell you more, but you've got no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Friendly scaly-looking midgets will keep licking your face this week until the pet shop assistant has you escorted, by pet shop security, away from the iguana cages.
Maybe it's time for glasses?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will feel as if life has transported you to an idyllic little village, full of smiling residents, cheery youth, and rollicking times.
Life, however, will require a full tank of gas to get you there, so have some cash on hand... it's getting expensive out there.
[Horoscopes. Whooooooooa.]