The Horoscopes
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your gumption will fail you this week.
So expect a week of sipping tea and many, many mumbled "I'm sorry"'s.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Whistle while you work.
If you can't whistle, get someone else to do it for you...
And, while they're at it, have them use the palm fronds you keep by your desk and fan you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Let your conscience be your guide.
This will result in you visiting Albuquerque, a place you never thought you'd see, while you were out trying to get some groceries.
The conscience, let it be known, is an awful navigator.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will feel like a good spring cleaning this week.
If you're feeling adventurous, combine that urge and a plane trip to our new Sane Magazine offices...
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Be careful with flammable liquids this week.
And combustible situations will need defusing. By you.
Otherwise all those flammable liquids you've got lying around the house might explode.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Reason number 472: You will let small people call someone and whistle at them.
Be generous with the pie and ice cream you serve this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This will be a shockingly Munchkin-free week for you.
I say 'shockingly' because you obviously missed the rather large hint given, earlier in the week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Turtles will fly before you figure out how to program the kitchen clock.
And I'm not talking about the Mario Brothers kind of flying turtles.
So you'll be running late yet again this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't mess with Texas this week.
In fact, stay as far away as you can from all Texas-related things.
No offence, Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
This includes your Oklahoma rocking chair.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no rocking chair from Oklahoma to fear.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Peanuts will have no effect on you this week.
Nor will kryptonite.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will experience hours and hours of frustration, at the end of which you'll experience nirvana.
If your version of nirvana has a slight taste of frustration about it.
[Horoscopes. Gotta like those projected stats... 34-0?]