The Horoscopes
Wake me up
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Put on a brave face this week.
It will clash with your pusillanimous shirt, but it's better than your plaid and stripes combo of last week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Fierce competition may mean you don't have any ice cream this week.
And no, this warning won't help you be any more fierce. The competition for that ice cream is going to be very, very tough.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The short bald guy in 24 does it.
Not to ruin it for you.
The stars will align for you this week.
What this means is if you look up on Tuesday you'll see a giant Red Sox logo in the sky.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Be careful with scissors this week.
Also, assert your independence by throwing an Independence Party for yourself. Just don't invite too many people, otherwise you might wake up tied to a tree.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
No picking anything out of the trash this week.
Don't look shocked, I saw you picking at the bin in the kitchen last week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This week the roads will be suspiciously free of trucks.
And magically full of cotton Cadburys Chocolate Fingers!
The second part may be a hallucination, though.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Congratulations on running a lot further than most sane people would ever even think about running!
It's a shame you don't put those powers to good use... like, say, running to the nearest Dunkin Donuts...
Aries March 21 - April 19
High winds and a low pressure zone over the Azores will make this horoscope sound more like a weather forecast than a prediction.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Be wary of reading glasses left lying around.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No straight dope for you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Make pancakes on Wednesday.
They will come in handy as both food and frisbees, because you'll be kind of bored that day, anyway.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be given a choice of three doors: one has a tiger hiding behind it, the other, a lady, and the third, a brand new washer dryer.
When you open door number two and the washer dryer falls out, as someone had perched it precariously against the door, you will wish you'd picked door number one, the tiger. Who would have eaten you, but it would have been a more noble death than dying of embarrassment when the emergency services crew arrives to pry you out from underneath the appliances.
[Horoscopes. Some public service announcements...]