The Horoscopes
Hang on, hang on.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A gigantic ball of pudding will get stuck in your front door this week.
This will not be the strangest thing that happens to you this week.
Nor will the thousands of neighbourhood cats that congregate outside your door, slowly eating their way through the ball, be the strangest thing. In fact, that's exactly what you'd expect from having a big ball of pudding in your front door.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be going to Maine at the end of this week.
The entire state of Maine will not be the 'far from the madding crowd' retreat it usually is, as it will be filled with all those Leos, and...
Virgo August 23 - September 22
...Virgos. You, too, will visit Maine this week.
And your house will probably still be there when you get back.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You should hop on the next plane back to from where you just came, because someone very small misses you.
And two bigger people, too.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Try not to let stuff get you down this week.
Unless you're being lowered down a mineshaft on a rickety elevator. If you are, let that get you down, because if you try and fight it you might cause the elevator to fall down the shaft and then you'll be down in more ways than one.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
This week will be all about numbers for you.
545000, 65.00, and 100.
The last number is what you score on a scale of 1 to 10, beauty-wise.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Munchkins!
Sorry, I don't know what came over me.
A good turn does not go unnoticed.
Especially if it involves Munchkins.
Aries March 21 - April 19
April is the cruelest month, but it is also the month that rhymes the most with the word 'daypril.'
Think about that this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I know you want that last cookie.
I can see you eyeing it.
Go ahead and take it! Umm, just beware the consequences. Which may involve bodily harm well after you've digested your little temptation.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No, no, no, no.
Nanette.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Food fight!
I would order the asparagus and the baked Alaska, if I were you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Try picking a peck of pickled peppers this week and you'll have a whole new appreciation for Peter Piper.
He had a tough life, for a nursery rhyme.
Eat a donut on Thursday, for good luck.
[Horoscopes. Well that's a nice way to start it off.]