The Horoscopes
Hubba hubba.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
"Waste not, want not," should be your mantra this week.
Try going around saying it like "Wasten't, wantn't" and see if you don't illicit some long, hard stares.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Avoid Tauri this week. They may just be seeking attention, and I don't recommend giving it to them.
Instead, focus on your own situation. In particular, if you're under a year old, focus on getting yourself back on a normal sleep cycle.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Thanks for the Munchkins!
The ever grateful stars grant you three wishes this week.
[Void in Nebraska, Germany, and most of Belgium. Must be 18 or older. No duplicates allowed. Must have completed rigourous seventy mile hike to the top of Mount Killamajim and filled out entry form in triplicate. Void if not accompanied by a llama.]
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Please keep feet and parcels off the seat.
You should try Dunkin Donut's coffee this week.
NB. This horoscope not sponsored by Dunkin Donuts... yet. *nudge nudge* to advertising executives at Dunkin Donuts.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Wave and the world waves with you.
I know you've probably learned this lesson already, but it bears repeating, I believe.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Saturn in your house of familial issues will bring about a reawakening of interests long since abandoned.
These interests may require about eight weeks to fully explore, if at all possible.
You will still look cute, pursuing this interest, because of Mercury hanging around in your sign like the puppy that follows you home.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Germany is not a good place for you to be this week.
And don't trust women with over-painted eyelids.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A blast from your past will come rushing back to you, 'blasting', we might have said.
At any rate, if you don't want to get hurt you might want to employ the jujitsu techniques you've learned (either in a classroom or by watching kung fu movies... which, I know, doesn't make much sense), and try and sidestep whilst using their blasting momentum to deflect them on past you.
Libra September 23 - October 22
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there is either a really large, really black piece of lint hanging out on your head or it's a black widow spider.
I would put gloves on, just to be safe, before you go investigating.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no spider, no lint, no Dunkin Donuts (see, ad exec for DD's?), and no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
That is going to be one heck of a burp you let loose on Thursday.
And if you think it's lame that that's your big news for the week, well, just wait for the burp and you'll see why we focused on that.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Take some time out this week to sniff the roses, enjoy the ball game, and wax the car.
And tidy.
Those last two things weren't necessarily from the stars, but someone close to you paid us to put those in there.
Hint: The person is not a Dunkin Donuts ad executive.
[Horoscopes. Exactly.]