The Horoscopes
Blat!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will feel every day of your age on Wednesday.
This will largely be due to not having felt your age at all the day prior, when you may have overindulged your youthful feeling self a little too much.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Okay, here's the score, no messing around with this one and trying to disobey your horoscope: You will sleep on Friday night. You will sleep the sleep of the content. From 8:15pm, PST to around 4:30am, EST, you will sleep like you've never slept before.
And then, when you wake up, you will be very, very nice to people taller than you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Remember the British Invasion, when everyone walked around with funny hairdos?
This Saturday will be like that, only no British people will be involved, and there'd better be Munchkins around.
[Just kidding. Just make sure you don't mind losing a bedroom or two in your house.]
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will prepare yourself for a long, and possibly spiritual journey this week.
Try and pick up a magazine or two on the Friday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Get out your cleanest, nicest fairy princess crown, because this is the week you've been waiting to wear it on. Or perhaps you haven't been waiting to wear it. Perhaps you've been wearing your crown around all the time, and possibly are a bit sick of it, already.
At any rate, this is the week to wear it, so sick of it or not, get it on and head on out on Saturday to show it off to people who will appreciate it!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look very beautiful on Monday.
Which has already passed, pretty much, so this won't really be news to you.
What will is that you will also look beautiful on Tuesday and Wednesday.
And on Saturday, you will get to sleep in...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Foolish games only lead to broken promises and a turtle that winds up getting flushed down the toilet when all is said and done.
Don't be the turtle this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Sneeze, and the world sneezes with you this week.
I don't recommend trying this, considering what a butterfly flapping its wings in China might do, but if it's in the spirit of scientific enquiry, well...
Libra September 23 - October 22
Return a book you've borrowed from someone this week.
Try and return it to the same person from whom you borrowed it, even.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Look, man, I'm sorry, I've got nothing here for you. Toodles.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Oodles of noodles will make a person happy this week.
Not you, unfortunately. And doubly unfortunate, because when you walk into your living room on Thursday it will be positively full of noodles. Mostly cooked. Which are the hardest to pry off of furniture, I'm afraid.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Get out of town!
No, really. They've caught up with you, get out while you still can. There's a plane leaving on Friday with your name on it.
Well, not your name, unless your name is JetBlue. At any rate, Mr. Blue, if that is your real name, get going! We'll get your back!
[Horoscopes. Useful for deadlines... like, say, for that novel you've been working on for eight years...]