The Horoscopes
Mama mia
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Turkeys will fly this week, prompting you to comment on your almost long forgotten promise to clean up your act when turkeys flew.
If someone points out that they've always flown, you should act surprised like you just found out today.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A vision will appear to you on Thursday telling you to sell all your earthly possessions at a discount rate to someone close to you.
The vision tells you, when it senses you're hesitant, that you could always buy most of the stuff back on eBay, if you want to back out further down the line.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Get all those stored munchkins out of the freezer!
Also, don't err on the side of caution this week, err on the side of the figure skaters, who are now back to being neglected. They need someone on their side.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Listen to that little voice inside that says, "I'd like another cookie" this week.
And feel free to share. It's what your sign is best at this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Go visit your favourite uncle this week.
If you can't, bug your parents until they take you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Hang in there this week.
You will get a present on Friday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Bring any little people you might have with you about 1.2 miles down the road. Don't leave them, there, obviously, no one likes a person who just strews small people all over the countryside. But bring them with you and share a munchkin or two, should there be munchkins there.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A tree falling in the forest makes the sound you will make on Wednesday when you stub your toe on an overstuffed chair someone's moved from its normal location.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Spend more time on your eyebrows this week.
Mercury rounding third, heading for home is making them slightly more fluffy, and no one really likes out of control eyebrows.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
"You got nuffink," as they say in Sowf London.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Go out and punch an ad executive today.
This isn't necessarily a Zodiacal thing, it'd just be a nice service for the human race.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will learn the meaning of betrayal on Wednesday. So don't read the following sentence until then:
"betrayal: v.To give aid or information to an enemy of; commit treason against."
Past that it will be an uneventful week... until Friday.
[Horoscopes. I don't know if you want to listen to this... it's not pretty. And it may just hypnotise/brain wash you into doing something you'll wish you hadn't.]