The Horoscopes
Too little, too late.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It may already be too late for you.
So donate something nice to a young kid.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An old saying goes that with Saturn rounding into your House of Commons, it is never good luck to spit over your left shoulder.
This holds true for you this week.
Drooling counts.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Make a statement this week. I don't mean a simple old declarative sentence (though those are nice, as well), but a bold proposition for all those who hear it.
Maybe something about badgers. Doing some quick research, that kind of statement may be the first in history, making you something of a footnote in history, if not a whole page, depending on the history book.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your home will be invaded by ferrets this week.
Good news if you like ferrets, bad news if you don't.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A sweet reckoning, of sorts, will happen for you this week.
Also, stop wearing that purple shirt/top around.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
If you close your eyes and count to ten, you will at least know you can still count to ten.
And it's the small things that matter this week.
And the lottery. If you win it on Thursday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Keep smelly shoes outside the house.
This may be taken as a metaphor or literally.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A small brush fire will detract from what should be the real focus of your week: french fries.
Libra September 23 - October 22
There is nothing that can't be said about this week without the use of signal flags.
This week is an excellent time for you to learn the fascinating language of signal flags.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope this week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
One cheeseburger is enough, two would make a fine pair of earmuffs.
Sticky and slightly gross if they get wet, but fine enough.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Soldier on, brave soldier!
However, if you bayonet anyone with that thing you've been carrying around during the course of the week you are, sadly, on your own.
Someone small and someone not so small (but very thin) will warm your heart this week. Hopefully by doing something nice and not, say, with a burning piece of coal or anything.
[Horoscopes. Happy Truck Day!]