The Horoscopes
Short and sweet
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You won't like chocolate this week.
Any now unnecessary chocolate you have may be mailed to the Sane Magazine offices.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have to deal with a liar this week. Do not trust a word they say.
Now, the horoscope writer may also be a suspect... just to throw a monkey wrench in there.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Cast no stones unless the bell tolls for thee.
If your cousin Vinny works the local bells and occasionally dedicates the evening one to you that will not count.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you like life like a cocoon this week certain opportunities will pass you by.
Then again, others, like the arm comfort of being wrapped up tightly in a blanket-like environment won't pass you by.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Four wise men will visit you from afar this week.
You won't be able to get a useful thing out of them, though, because they'll all being trying to impress each other with how clever they are.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
It will be very quiet this week.
And a certain someone you love will sleep through the night without a peep. Two certain someone's, in fact. Plus you makes three.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Buy new shoes this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't buy new shoes this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Paint your house red. If you don't own a house, splash a little red spray paint on someone else's house. Or public property, if you don't know any well enough to "tag" their house.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Just sit tight.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone will offer you a handkerchief this week.
Do not, under any circumstances, use it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will miss two certain someone's until Thursday night, Friday morning, at which point you won't miss them any more.
[Horoscopes. Dad, what was the internet?]