The Horoscopes
Listen to the sound of the stars
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will misplace something important this week.
On Thursday, even if you read these horoscopes earlier, you will find it under the back tyres of your car in the garage.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Mercury in your second house of important decisions means never having to say you're sorry.
I'm not sure why that is, it's just what my horoscope decoder tells me.
On a related horoscopal note, I'm thinking of returning my horoscope decoder for an astrolabe or something.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
For example, look at what's in store for you:
Giant muffins will chase you down a tunnel this week.
Clearly, there's something wrong with this horoscope decoder.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
And you, you're going to jibble the mast and flipper unto thee.
I don't even think you can actually use that in any productive way.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will find a horoscope decoder in the trash.
Don't expect to set out and create a billion dollar business on the back of your horoscopes decoded by this tool.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will look fetching this week.
You should tell people that it's an astrological thing, and not anything you can control, when they ask you your secret to looking so beautiful.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Assert yourself in new and creative ways this week.
One particular way we've always liked to see someone assert themselves is through the power of bonsai tree maintenance. If you're looking for suggestions.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Wednesday you're going to have a massive monkey infestation problem.
Just a normal, everyday hazard in your line of work.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This is no time for diplomacy. If you are a US diplomat abroad, just continue doing what you've been doing.
You're going to exude a certain animal magnetism this week, so be sure you're wearing a raincoat.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are going to have a hard time keeping your opinions to yourself this week, especially when someone goes out of their way to call attention to themselves.
If you need to say anything, simply say "Hmm. Beehive hairdo's don't suit everyone..." and leave it at that.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It is the end of an era!
You will finally throw out that pair of socks riddled with holes by midweek.
The era of the ratty t-shirt, unfortunately, continues unabated.
[Horoscopes. Now that's an iTunes visualisation...]