The Horoscopes
Green eggs, hold the ham.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Use butter liberally this week.
With Saturn rounding third and heading for home, it'll be like butter grows on trees.
Which it doesn't, of course, but you can imagine what a wonderful world it would be if it did, couldn't you?
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will cower in fear at the thought of a cholesterol-high world almost literally dripping with butter.
If someone asks why you're cowering tell them it's a new combination of pilates, yoga, and step aerobics you've been trying.
If they ask where the steps are, make sure you make them well aware of the new aspect of this particular brand of exercise you're doing.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If I were you I would not ask any Leos any question this week. They're just going to be behaving oddly.
Concentrate on that macramé potholder you've been slaving over -- it will get you in the Guinness book of records.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't bother walking on the sunny side of the street this week.
Not because of the depleted ozone layer or anything, it's just because there's someone knitting (or whatever you do with macramé) the largest potholder you've ever seen, and part of the damn thing has spilled on to, you guessed it, the sunny side of the street.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Turn that bus around, Jeb!
This is the stars' way of saying "whatever you're doing, it's not right, you might want to think about not doing it any more."
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will make a decision this week that will probably, if all is fair in love, war, and life, get you free dinners for the rest of your life (maybe barring one day a year or so).
Make sure you lobby for the "good" dinners, not the cheap-o fast food kind.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Listen, quick, get out in the yard and count as many chickens as you can, now is the time!
Next week you should go back to not counting them before they hatch, but this is the time to live it up! Don't forget to check under the nests... those eggs roll under everything...
Aries March 21 - April 19
Keep no secrets this week.
If you are a spy or anything you may want to keep yourself sequestered this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
News happens fast.
A ninja hummingbird also happens fast.
Guess which one is going to come a-knockin' on your door on Thursday?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We now return you to your regularly scheduled lack of a horoscope... BEEP...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will get a whiff of your long term future this week.
Or someone's baking brownies in the office. Either way, there's a nice brownie smell around, so kick back and enjoy it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are possibly one year older.
In some cases, this may have been a longer year than for others.
If you don't know what time zone you are in this may have been one of those long years for you. In a good way, though.
[Horoscopes. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. [Warning: some profanity.]]