The Horoscopes
Hullo there.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will underestimate someone close to you this week.
This is even after this warning (which isn't so much of a warning as a prediction, which is why it doesn't help you).
Just hope, for your sake, it's something you underestimate how much they'll help you clean out your garage (if you have one) and not underestimating their skill with a double edged sword or anything.
Leo July 23 - August 22
That double edged sword reference for Taurus sounds a little D&D-like, doesn't it?
Don't worry, your week will be geek free. If you are a teenager, this will disappoint you, yet excite you at the possibilities that, in being a non-geeky week, this will mean you'll have an exact opposite of a geeky week.
You won't, I'm afraid.
All others, eat lots of peanut butter this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will feel like you're on a Caribbean cruise this week.
This may be because you're actually on a cruise around the Caribbean cruise this week.
Then again, you may just have leant too close to the heat lamps for too long at your gig down at the fast food joint.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The thing you will be desperately searching for on Thursday is in the downstairs closet in the hallway. The one that sticks in the summer.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A funny looking man with a parrot will ask you for change on Saturday.
This guy is actually a CIA operative and this is the code phrase. If you had answered "Chimney sweeps don't come cheap" you would have been inadvertently sucked into the international espionage scene!
Unfortunately, you don't, even if you've read this and have every intention of saying the counter phrase back, and your week is mind numbingly boring.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be free, free, I say, on Thursday night for the first time in a long time!
By free, of course, I mean free in one sense, not so free in another.
Don't let flathead worry you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You know how no one ever sees your point of view?
Maybe it's because they can't walk a mile in your shoes because you're always busy running.
Aries March 21 - April 19
No one is walking a mile in your shoes this week because, and I don't know what the cause is, but your shoes have this really funky smell coming off them.
Did you leave them out in the rain or something?
Libra September 23 - October 22
Tuesday is not looking good for you.
I would offer the advice to keep your hands out in the open when the men in riot gear come bursting into your home that day, but it's not going to help.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We got nuthin for you this week. Or most weeks, matter of fact.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Leave no stone unturned this week.
Also, feel free to use this as your excuse as to why you were late to work, because you had to flip over all those stones just to get from the door to your car.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Thursday, err, Friday, err... both, are going to be an interesting day(s) for you.
Don't bother resetting your watch.
[Horoscopes. Aaaaand we're back. By now you probably know what happened here...]