The Horoscopes
Your big week
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is not a week to be messing around with glycerine.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you haven't finished all your Christmas shopping you'd better get cracking. Tuesday is an excellent day to finish it all off.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Turn over a new leaf this week.
Good luck finding a leaf to turn over, though, if you live in an area that experiences winter, and is doing so now.
Maybe you can make a snow leaf to turn over.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Take decisive action this week in something related to gerbils.
Like, for example, if your house is overrun by gerbils (or hamsters, even), do something about it: move, get them out, or learn to love them (proactively and decisively, of course).
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Share your burdens this week. A burden shared is a burden halved, as they say.
Of course, if you can sublet your half of the burden to a family immigrating to your neighbourhood, all the better, as a burden halved and sublet is almost no burden at all.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Be sure to check under the tree Tuesday.
If you have no tree, maybe check on top of a small coffee table-like, but not actually an actual coffee table, more like a nightstand, only for use during the day, as well, surfaces.
You may like what you find. Then again, you may not be able to find it, based on the description, and may have no feelings one way or another about something you couldn't possibly have found.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Got those munchkins stockpiled? Good this is the week you will need them.
Bring them on Sunday.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I don't want to spoil the surprise, but you're getting an iPod for Christmas.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will be getting a lot of mail delivered to you this week.
Most of it litigation-type mails we've gotten for using the word 'Christmas' multiple times in this horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like, I so wish I had a horoscope for you this week, you know, yo?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Hairy knuckles (yours, unfortunately) will be a big turnoff for people this week.
Thankfully, if you live somewhere where it's cold right now you can wear gloves... and socks.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Figure out what is meant by ' a small coffee table-like, but not actually an actual coffee table, more like a nightstand.'
Also, buy cookies, for the love of all that's holy and good! You're out!
[Horoscopes. 3. Can the Xbox 360 burn millions of people in Hell because they don't accept it as their Lord and Personal Savior?]